The Pilgrim’s Protest

As told to Tommy Broadway

Recently certain problem students have taken it upon themselves to assume a decidedly negative stance towards the CIU administration (I blame postmodernism). However, what troubles me far more than the negativity I have seen is the more recent crop of problem students who show negativity towards the negativity of those who dislike the standards. I have struggled valiantly in my attempt to keep a positive attitude towards this negativity about the negativity while simultaneously remaining positive about the original negativity and, quite frankly, it is becoming somewhat confusing. Determining who to sit with at lunch now requires the use of advanced algebra. My greatest fear is that I will soon join the ranks of those who are acting negatively about those who are acting negatively about those who are acting negatively. My hope of retaining my exuberance is not lost, though. I have a close friend who is eight levels deep in negativity, yet still remains optimistic!

While a solution escapes me for combating the first two levels of negativity, I have a remedy for the third. Furthermore, I believe the elimination of this third level will eliminate all levels of negativity beyond it. The first part of the solution is to keep the first two levels of negativity in balance (much like George Lucas’s concept of “The Force”). We must seek to encourage those who are “restless” about standards and such to press forward in their fight while concurrently helping the loyalists pick away at the arguments of the first group so that they may continue to seethe in their righteous indignation. Only then can we eliminate the negativity towards the negativity towards the negativity and so on.

This brings me to the second part of my proposal: time travel. Going beyond my afore mentioned use of advanced algebra for proper seating, I delved hungrily into calculus and quantum mechanics. Late one night as I sat in the bathtub thinking about the whole situation, I had an epiphany. Every other iteration of negativity is merely a reflection of the first two. Through a rift in space-time and an overlapping of ideologies, several alternate universes have converged, combining many conflicting timelines. I have contacted a team of Dutch physicists who are ready to use a newly built particle accelerator to help CIU in its difficulty. Using elements from Roberta Sparrow’s “Philosophy of Time Travel” as well as the expertise of seasoned traveler John Titor, we will, over the course of the next few months, separate and unknot the current rogue timelines. We will then reconnect them with their parent universes and, before the gym is finished, all will be set aright! Many donors have already given generously towards this endeavor and we are well on our way to amassing the 1.7 billion dollars we need for the project. Soon retention will be up and divisiveness will be down, all thanks to a little hope and quantum mechanics.